


Kintsukuroi

by Silent_kill_joy



Series: A collection of Oneshots. [1]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 3k words, Don't Judge Me, Hospital scene, I Don't Even Know, I hope you enjoy this, I kinda like the ending, I tried to make this sad, I'm Sorry, If anyone knows what the title word means i will love you forever, Like, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, cute-ish ending, graphic descriptions of self harm, self hate, selfharm, try to make you cry sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-03
Updated: 2016-07-03
Packaged: 2018-07-19 19:51:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7375189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Silent_kill_joy/pseuds/Silent_kill_joy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>...That's the most beautiful thing in the world:<br/>When two people become fluent in choosing each other...<br/>                                                                                      -Hb</p>
            </blockquote>





	Kintsukuroi

**Author's Note:**

> A/N. So I wrote this fluffy thing   
> ( http://archiveofourown.org/works/7275466 )   
> and I kind of wanted to try my hand at angst to balance the scale a bit. 
> 
> And that's why this is here.  
> Also because I did some research on if slitting your wrist suicide actually works and whenever I learn something I really want to share it with someone, but who do you talk to about stuff like that? Anyway,
> 
> Disclaimer:  
> I do Not support suicide at all.
> 
> That being said, slitting your wrist is not the way to die either, because you take a long to to fully bleed out, and that's if you manage to cut deep enough, and you risk cutting a nerve or tendon and losing use of at least part of you hand for at least several weeks.
> 
>  
> 
> Now I hope you guys like this better than I do.
> 
>  
> 
> Warning/Triggers.  
> Selfharm, suicidal thoughts, suicide attempt, Self hatred, uh slightly graphic self harm descriptions? I think that's all....

Dan simply nodded, plastering his smile on because that's what people expected. That was what he was supposed to do, smile, and be happy and listen to others problems and joke around and, yeah, he knew he was kinda failing at that right now, but honestly. He kinda felt like he was failing at everything right now. He couldn't bring himself to do life right and it was dragging him down, his struggling and feeble attempts to get back up had failed and he no longer felt like he even deserved to succeed. Maybe he was supposed to stay down, he wasn't good at much else after all. 

Dan tried to refocus on the meaningful conversation he was having with another youtuber, though the conversation was more of the other youtuber finally getting rid of some emotions he'd been keeping bottled up, and looking for a shoulder to cry on. Dan was just trying to listen and be understanding and at least give off the pretense that the other persons problem was totally relevant and that Dan was fully supportive. Which he was, and he knew the other persons problem was relevant to them, but at the moment, Dan just didn't see why this mattered so much. Life was life, it would screw you over and leave you a bloody mess sobbing in some gutter in France just for the fun of it.

After a long hour filled with the others tears and hugs and assurances that they were not alone, Dan was left, as usual, by himself in the crowd.   
It was a youtuber convention, not a huge one, just a small one in the UK. Dan was here, without Phil for once, because Phil had gone home for his mum's birthday, and Dan didn't know if this was a good thing or not. 

He mulled over this as he faded towards the back of the crowd, deciding he'd been here long enough and it wouldn't look strange if he slipped out, he'd already seen several others slip out so obviously it would be okay for him to split as well. 

On one hand, Dan figured as he got a taxi, Phil being gone made everything seem bleaker, the flat they shared was devoid of the joy Phil brought to it with his goofy grin and sparkling blue eyes. It made Dan feel as if hope itself had taken a break, not wanting to have to deal with his drama anymore. 

That thought quickly delved into darker places. 

Had Phil actually just been looking for an excuse to get away from Dan?   
Was he finally tired of having to share his flat with such a large burden who couldn't even cook all that well?   
Did any of his friends truly like him?   
Afterall, they could just be friends with him to get views, that would make more sense to Dan as he didn't see how any one would willingly hang out with such a annoying person as he. 

Dan handed over a card to pay the the cabbie when they reached his apartment complex. The cabbie swiped it and handed it back as Dan got out, 

“Have a goodnight.” The cabbie said goodnaturedly. Dan plastered on another smile, 

“You too,” He replied “take -luck...” He flushed, he had been going for 'take care' then halfway through decided to go with 'good luck' and now he had the nice cabbie staring at him like he was crazy. Dan just ducked his head and hurried away, wanting to get out of sight as soon as possible. 

He was such an idiot.   
Why?   
Why couldn't he say two words normally, words that he'd said a million times before.   
'Why don't you work you worthless shit!' He thought fiercely, barely stopping himself from hitting himself on the head for being such an idiot. His steps were quick as he almost ran up the stairs to his flat, he unlocked the door with shaking hands, he wanted a fix, he needed a fix. 

The moment the door shut behind him he was slamming himself back against the door, his head connecting solidly against it, the feeling of pain releasing a lightning rod of relief. 

He felt angry. Angry at himself for being such a failure, for not doing things right, for not being a better person, for being himself at all. 

He also felt shaky, a kind of nervous energy, a continuous buzzing wanting to be let out, needing to be let out. One that yelled at him to do something, punch a wall, yank at his hair, beat himself up, find a razor, anything but sit there banging his head back against the door. That was too loud, some one might hear, and Dan didn't want that. 

And that was the good thing about Phil not being here, he wasn't here to see Dan fall apart, and he wasn't here to stop him.

Dan had tried. 

He really really had.

And that was perhaps the worse thing about it. 

He fumbled through his drawers looking for the little box that no one else knew about. 

He had tried to be a good person, an inspiration to his fans, and a good friend to Phil. 

His hand finally grasped it, a small, matchbox sized box that he didn't have to take to the bathroom to use now. 

He had tried to get better. To become the person his fans thought he was. To become the person he wanted to be. 

Dan opened it, his fingers stopped shaking so much as he picked out one of the sharper blades, one from a razor, not a pencil sharpener. 

But it hadn't worked, and that's what hurt. 

It hurt worse than the small hesitation cut he made on his arm, shallow and short. 

Because it had shown him if he could do this or not, and the answer was no.   
He could not. 

Then he did it all at once, his own head screaming at him for being such a wimp, not even able to hurt himself properly, who else was such a failure that they couldn't even hurt themselves right.   
The long cut on his arm opened wide and Dan choked back bile as he saw his arm open up from the deep cut, it ran up along his arm, he knew enough to do that. Blood welled up from his right arm, running down and getting everywhere, all over Dans suit. 

He felt his right arm grow numb and he feebly tried to do the same to his left arm, but his right hand was almost to weak to even hold the razor anymore. 

The voices had stopped now, and Dans mind was clearing even as he felt dizziness wash over him.

Wait, why was he bleeding?! 

Oh crap. 

Dans mind flashed with sudden clarity. 

No! He couldn't die, not here at least. 

What would his family do? Fuck. Why did he do it? Dan knew why he'd done it and in his now clear yet weakening mind state he couldn't blame himself, he didn't deserve what he got in life anyway. There were other people who could take his place and do it better. But that didn't mean he wanted to die. 

His breathe came faster as his knees gave out beneath him and he crumpled to the ground, panicking. 

What would his family say? Knowing their son wasn't even strong enough for life, he hadn't even left a note, he would never be able to tell them he loved them again. Tears finally fell from Dans eyes, wishing now for a Christmas with his family that he would never have. 

No goodbyes to his fans. 

No goodbyes to Phil. 

Dan found himself chocking on sobs and blood as Phils face flashed across his mind. 

His bestfriend. 

His unrequited love. 

Phil would be left to find a dead failure in his home and Dan would never be able to tell how amazing he thought Phil truly was. 

They would never make another Philisnotonfire. 

And as Dan fumbled for his phone, his mind starting to go hazy, he couldn't help but wonder what would happen to Phil. 

Would he be better off without Dan? 

His mind relived countless memories of them laughing together, traveling together, growing and learning about eachother. 

His vision was blurred by fuzzy phosphenes as he hit the emergency call button, and he didn't have the strength to talk to the person who answered the phone.

“Hello, this is 999, whats your emergency?” 

His eyes were growing heavy and for some reason all he could think about how sad he was that he and Phil would never share another morning of cereal or pancakes with anime, now Phil would do that alone, and that made Dan sad.

“Hello?.... Are you there?” The voice rang through the empty apartment, and only received a soft thud for an answer as the phone slipped out of the barely breathing boys fingers.

 

 

Dan awoke to murmured voices. Consciousnesses slowly returning to him. He first impression was white, just a glaring color that hurt his eyes as they slowly blinked open.

He was in a white room. 

Somebody was talking softly.

A light beeping noise was on one of his sides, and he was facing the opposite way.

There was a cramp in his hand, and as Dans eyes adjusted better, he saw there was a person sitting there, his grip hard on Dans hand and he was looking towards the end of the bed, to someone Dan couldn't see.

Phil.

 

Phil was there quickly coming into focus, and Dan was starting to realize what was going on.

He was in a hospital, that much was obvious. His hand was slightly outstretched so he could see it without having to move, which meant he could see the neat white bandage wrapped all the way from his hand to his elbow, but why did he need that? 

The voices were still too low for him to make anything clear out, and his mind was just starting to clear of the fog. 

Wait!

Crap.

Dan screwed up. 

He remembered that. 

He remembered the party, going home, feeling like shit. He blew it. Oh gosh, Phil probably hated him now! Dan sucked in a slight breathe, his thoughts whirring. 

How was he even alive? Oh, the phone call. The police came? Crap.

His slight sound brought the immediate halt to the conversation and Dan could suddenly feel the intensity of Phils gaze. 

He slowly flicked his eyes up to meet Phils, but dropped them again almost at once, too ashamed to even look at those blue eyes again.

“Dan.” He heard his name fall heavily from Phil and he had to resist from wincing. He gathered his nerves quickly, not wanting to, but feeling like he had to look Phil in the eyes again, doing it made his heart wrench.

 

Phil looked tired and worn, his eyes were sad and red rimmed. He had been crying, Dan mused, trying to ignore the guilt that plagued him, telling him it was he fault Phil looked like this right now.

“Dan.” Phil murmured again, his hand tightening slightly on Dan hand. Then a voice interrupted them.

“Excuse me, Mr. Howell, but we just got your complete result back.” A voice suddenly sounded out loudly from the end of his bed and Dan shifted slightly so he could see the strict looking Doctor, she met his gaze for a second before continuing to speak. “It seems you have damaged your Ulnar nerve, it means small muscles in your right hand will be unresponsive for a while. It usually takes six to twelve weeks for a decent recovery and depending on a few factors but it averages sixteen weeks for a full recovery. I wouldn't worry too much Mr. Howell, most people do make a full physical recovery of their hand as long as they are careful, so we want you to be very cautious and try not to use it too much, if you do, you could lose use of your fourth and fifth finger.” The Doctor said, referring to the clipboard she'd been holding.

Dan stared at her, trying to comprehend all that she said, but it took him several moments to even come close. 

“Oh, uh, okay.” Dan said, his voice coming out raspy and quiet, the Doctor gave him a tight smile.

“You are lucky to be alive Mr. Howell, you lost a lot of blood.” She told him grimly, Dan just nodded, averting his gaze as the Doctor made her leave.

 

The room was quiet for several excruciating moments as Dan, ashamed and suddenly hyper aware of Phils presence, continued to stare down at the white sheet, the stupid beeping of the heart monitor sounding suddenly magnified in the small room. 

A soft choked sound suddenly broke the silence, coming from Phil, Dans gaze immediately snapped up to him, feeling his heart wrench again as he saw a tear escape Phils eye. 

It was jarring to Dan because Phil had always been the strong one, Dan rarely saw him cry, of course he'd seen Phil sad, or grumpy at times, but this was something else entirely. Phil just didn't cry. He was strong like that. But he was crying now.

Phil still sat, leaning forward, his elbows on his knees and one hand grasping Dans, but Phil was looking away now. Staring at the wall. His face unreadable, even for Dan, who had memorized almost all Phils expressions. He loved doing that, memorizing Phils expressions and being able to tell what the other boy was feeling. But he couldn't right now. And it scared him.

“......Phil?” Dan murmured not able to stand the silence any more. Phil slowly turned to look at him, his face becoming a mask of no emotion. The silence hung heavy for a moment as Phil stared at Dan, looking vacant for a second before he seemed to register that Dan had even spoken. 

Then he moved, yanking his hand back from Dan,

“What the hell were you thinking?!” Phil asked, his voice harsh but breaking in the middle, his face contorting into a mix of anger a hurt. 

Dan winced, “Phil I-” 

“No! No, Dan. You tried to fucking kill yourself. You can't make some excuse for that. You almost died. You almost left your family, your fans. All those people who look up to you, how do you think they'd react? Huh? You almost kill so many peoples hero, you would have died missing out on so much!” Phil ranted, standing up so fast he almost tipped over his chair. He ran a hand through his hair agitated, and turned away from Dan, refusing even to face him. “Fuck Dan.” He said, his voice suddenly going quiet, and Dan could feel that heart wrenching sensation when he heard Phils voice break, “You almost left me.” Phil whispered staring at the ground, still facing away from him. “I don't know what I'd do without you.” Phil said, his voice soft. “When they called, I-I freaked out, I was ready to drive all the way here from my parents house, but instead I spent hours on the trolley because it was the quickest way to get here, and it still wasn't fast enough. The whole way here all I could think about is 'what if you were really gone.'” 

Phil had turned back around and sat back down in his seat as he talked, calming down but still refusing to look up at Dan as he continued to speak. “Of all the things we'd never done, of all the things we would never do again. Of waking up to an empty apartment. Of having to decide whether to clean out your room or leave it till I moved. Of if I would have to move or if memories would keep me there. But these things, they... they didn't really matter.” Phil hesitated, choking up slightly, one hand quickly brushing away a tear before he started again. 

“Really, the only thing that I knew I would always regret, was not being able to tell you that I loved you. Because I'd always been too scared, or thought I'd wait for the 'right moment', or figured it didn't matter as long as we were such close friends. But... fuck it. Dan I love you, and if you had died, it would have killed me... please. Dan....” Phil choked out, his hand finally reaching out to hold Dans hand again, and their eyes meeting for the first time since Phil had stood. His eyes searching Dans, and glistening in the florescent lights. 

“I fucking love you.” Phil said, his voice barely above a whisper. 

Dan choked back a sob, he feebly gripped Phils hand back, his bottom lip trembling, tears threatening to spill. 

“Phil, you dork.” He choked out, “I'm sorry, Phil, I'm so fucking sorry.” He said his voice cracking, closing his eyes for a moment in an effort to steady himself, Phil looked like he was going to say something for a second before Dan reached over with his good hand and tugged at Phils shirt until he stood, then pulled him down craning his neck up slightly to meet him in a fierce kiss. 

And it didn't really matter that they were at such an awkward position, with Dan holding himself up only by his grip on Phils shirt, and Phil leaning slightly over to meet Dan in the kiss. 

Because they were kissing, and Dan wasn't just daydreaming, or imagining that Phil was kissing back, because he was. He definitely was, despite the awkwardness.

But then Phils arms encircled Dan, holding him up for him, and Dans hand left Phils shirt and ran through Phils hair, and Dan couldn't believe he'd come so close to missing this that he almost sobbed against Phils lips, except that at that moment Phils arms tightened slightly, and the kiss grew soft and sweet and Dans mind was completely distracted. 

“I love you too.” Dan whispered softly as he broke away for a moment a shaky smile rising for a second before he kissed Phil softly again, wanting the sweet distraction from his thoughts, hoping that maybe, just maybe he finally found something that would always over rule the voices in his head.

**Author's Note:**

> A/N. So, please, tell me what you thought, and I am totally open to prompts and such.
> 
> Please leave a review, I really love reading those, they make my week!
> 
> Thanks for reading!


End file.
